What I Learned At A Death Cafe

What conversations with strangers taught me about why planning can be so hard to start.

Over the past month, I've attended two local Death Cafes. Even after spending the past few years thinking about death, estate planning and what families go through after someone dies, I wasn't entirely sure what to expect when I went to the first one. I wondered if it would feel somber, awkward or even depressing.

Instead, I found it refreshing.

So what exactly is a Death Cafe?

Despite the name, a Death Cafe isn’t a physical cafe. It’s a gathering where people, often strangers, come together over coffee, tea and usually something to eat to talk openly about death. There isn't an agenda. It isn’t grief counseling. And no one is there to convince you to believe or do anything.

The idea is remarkably simple: create a respectful space where people can talk about something most of us spend a lot of time avoiding.

The groups I’ve attended have been small, with just three or four people including me and the facilitator. That’s given us the chance to have some pretty open conversations. I’ve shared some of what brought me to this space: My father-in-law died unexpectedly, and my wife and I experienced firsthand how difficult it can be to piece together someone's life while grieving. That experience eventually led me to co-found End of an Era.

But I mostly went to listen. And one conversation from that first gathering has stayed with me.

Talking about death doesn’t mean you’re prepared for it.

At my first Death Cafe, the conversation turned to wills and estate planning. I was surprised to learn that several people in the room hadn't completed their own planning.

These weren't people avoiding the subject of death. They had voluntarily shown up to spend part of their day talking about it. What was even more interesting was what was keeping them from planning. It wasn't necessarily money or a lack of understanding about why it mattered. For some, the challenge was getting their partner to participate.

We tend to talk about estate planning as an individual responsibility. Make a will, document your wishes, organize your information and make sure someone knows what to do.

In reality, planning often requires conversations with spouses, partners, parents, children and other people we love. Knowing that you should plan doesn't necessarily make those conversations any easier.

Maybe we need a different way to start

Someone in the group shared an approach they had recently tried after struggling to get their partner interested in talking about end-of-life wishes.

They used a card game called Go Wish.

Go Wish was created by the nonprofit Coda Alliance to help people talk about what matters to them. The deck contains 36 cards describing things someone might value when seriously ill or approaching the end of life. You sort the cards based on what's important to you, narrow them down and then talk about why you made those choices.

According to the person I met, it got their partner interested in the conversation in a way previous attempts hadn't.

That example has stayed with me because the starting point is so different. Instead of opening with a conversation about death or estate planning, you start by asking someone what matters to them.

We spend a lot of time encouraging people to plan, but perhaps we don't spend enough time thinking about what has to happen before someone is ready to plan. Sometimes the first step isn't making a will or organizing your information. It's simply getting two people to talk about what's important to them.

Making death a little easier to talk about

That's ultimately what I appreciated most about attending these Death Cafes.

There was something refreshing about sitting with a few strangers and talking openly about something all of us experience but rarely discuss. The conversations haven’t been morbid.They’ve been about our families, our experiences, what matters to us and how we approach a part of life that can be uncomfortable to acknowledge.

I’ve gone in expecting to talk about death and left thinking much more about how we talk about it.

That's an important distinction for the work we're doing at End of an Era. We want to help families create a clear roadmap for the people they love, but sometimes the first step toward that roadmap is much simpler.

It's starting the conversation.

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Curious about Death Cafes? Learn more and find gatherings through the official Death Cafe community.

Looking for a different way to start the conversation at home? Go Wish is a card game from Coda Alliance designed to help people identify and discuss what matters most to them.